


How to surprise the plant villain who has everything

by timetotakeovertheworld



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: F/F, sweet nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 05:22:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12125451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetotakeovertheworld/pseuds/timetotakeovertheworld
Summary: Harley Quinn, one of Gotham City's most notorious supervillains, is making a romantic dinner for her girlfriend, Poison Ivy.





	How to surprise the plant villain who has everything

**Author's Note:**

> The gay villain power couple we all deserve

Cooking really shouldn’t have been the minefield it was. She was a frigging psychiatrist, not to mention one of the most formidable villains in Gotham City. Surely a romantic meal for her girlfriend would be well within Harley’s vast capabilities. Unfortunately, dating a plant hybrid eco-terrorist meant that anything she could serve contributed somehow to the destructions of her beloved plants. Obviously, carrots and the like, anything that killed the plant it came from was completely out of the question for this occasion. As much as Harley loved Ivy, she couldn't give up food for her, and Ivy didn't expect her to. Burgers were delicious and besides, in the broad scheme of things one person’s diet really couldn’t make much of a difference. She’d said as much to Pam, but Pam had only responded with annoyance. Something about being patronising to suggest that she hadn’t already considered all of those things and look Harley, she’s even eating a salad, she’s not going to starve herself and jeopardise her mission. Harley knew she could be… a lot sometimes. Especially for someone who had to withdraw so hard from social situations they went to the remotest regions of the Amazon. 

Choosing a main course had been difficult. Vegetarian recipes were easy to find, but not one that fitted Harley’s particular requirements. She needed something classy, something elegant, a dish worthy of Poison Ivy. She was sitting on the couch flipping through Disney movies when the answer came to her in the form of a cooking rodent. Ratatouille! If it was good enough for the finest critic in Disney France, it was good enough for Red. A quick search later and it turned out that the ratatouille was some new dish called confit byaldi, and a lot more complicated than she had anticipated. It was going to take some careful planning to pull off this surprise.   
 Harley had become very familiar with all the organic markets around Gotham in the past few days. At the very least she knew that these goods weren't subjected to harsh pesticides, but that was just one of her green-loving girlfriend's many concerns. She had hoped to only use ingredients from perennials, but it looked like she was going to have to bend that rule if she wanted to make anything other than sad greens on a plate. 

The recipe itself was extremely involved, with two sauces and a careful preparation of the vegetables to make it look restaurant(or Poison Ivy)-worthy. Pamela had been busy all week with a scheme to stop the construction of a condo where a rare plant currently grew. Harley didn't know the details, so the Bat couldn't use them against each other, but she knew Pam would be out long enough to allow her to pull off her master plan. The first thing she had to do was remove all the pot plants from the kitchen. 

Half an hour later the plan didn't seem to be going as well as Harley had anticipated. Not only had it taken her twice as long to slice the vegetables as she had planned, but they weren't uniform, even with the help of the expensive mandolin she had… acquired. She'd always been more handy with a mallet than with a blade. She'd also sliced all of the vegetable into thin slices before realising she'd forgotten to put the bell peppers in the oven. She swore briefly before shoving them into a cold oven. They were supposed to be allowed to cool before being made into a sauce but Harley decided she was just going to have to burn her hands peeling the pepper skins off and hope for the best.   
The next step was putting together the sauce that she was supposed to have already prepared the peppers for. It started like all good meals, as her mother had tried to instil in her, with a flavour base of onion and garlic. Then adding various herbs in what she supposed were appropriate amounts, tomato, peppers, and heat, and it became food. Honestly it still a bit mindblowing that all you had to do was add heat to shitty ingredients and suddenly it became a masterpiece. It was pretty much the same way hotdogs were made. At this point Harley realised she had no idea where a baking dish was, and also that that was fairly important. As a brilliant psychiatrist she was able to come up with an elegant solution, and once she had put baking paper along the bottom of the flower pot it was practically the same thing. At this point Harley was running out of time if she wanted to be able to surprise Pam the minute she walked in the door. She was somewhat surprised the plants hadn't told her about it already. She threw out the idea of arranging the sliced vegetables into batman being skewered by a vine, and got the dish into the oven with no further incident. 

Dessert was easier than the main course. Harley had decided to put together a simple berry sorbet. A gorgeous variety of flavours and no plants had to die for the opportunity. It also required specialised equipment, but no expense was too much to treat Pamela. Particularly when the expenses weren’t actually paid. Besides, it was always fun to mess around with new gadgets. These ones just happened to be for cooking instead of mayhem. Once that was in the freezer, she began to set the table with a dinner set the museum probably hadn't noticed was missing yet.

The main dish came out of the oven at the perfect time, thanks to the four alarms she'd set, and if she squinted the vegetable slices looked like they were all the same size. Maybe she could convince Red that it was an artistic choice. Harley glanced at the clock, and realised she only had a few minutes until Pam got there. She turned around and busied herself fiddling with the already immaculately made table, until she heard the door open behind her. Immediately Harley noticed that below the flowery scent that always accompanied her lover was a hint of grease and meat. Oh no. She turned just as Ivy began to speak.  
"I know it's been a rough month, so I thought I'd treat you with burgers and icecream."  
Harley's hands flew up to her mouth as she felt a sudden rush of emotion make her eyes begin to water. Pam noticed the look on her face and stepped closer with a rustle of the plastic bag. "What's wrong?"  
Harley shook her head and lowered her hand to show her smile. "Oh Red, have I told you lately that I love you?"

**Author's Note:**

> I got about halfway through when I realised the recipe wasn't actually very complicated I'm just a bad cook
> 
> I tried and therefore no one should judge me


End file.
